3 Ways To Be Sweeter To Yourself

Quick answer: Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend. Three practical ways to build it: notice when you self-criticize and redirect the thought, stop comparing yourself to others and practice gratitude instead, and make self-care a regular habit rather than a reward.

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection," goes a saying attributed to the Buddha. Yet during times of change—a new year, a new routine, a new goal—our inner critic tends to be loudest, right when the potential to fail feels high and the work feels never-ending. To stay motivated, you don't need a harsher coach; you need to become your own biggest cheerleader. Here are three ways to quiet the self-deprecator in your head.

How do I stop being so self-critical?

Start by simply noticing when the criticism happens—that awareness is the first step in unsticking yourself from the pattern.

Is it when you lose your temper, make a mistake, or embarrass yourself? Once you can catch the moment, you gain a choice. The inner exchange might go: "Dammit! I am so lazy! Why didn't I go to the gym today?"—[pause and notice the criticism]—"Whoa. I was just really hard on myself." In that pause, you can switch to something more compassionate: "I was tired because I barely slept. Beating myself up won't change anything. I'll go tomorrow morning and stay a bit longer." The pausing and redirecting take practice, but you're far more likely to reach your goals approaching yourself like a loving friend than like an aggressive bully.

Why is comparing myself to others so harmful?

Because comparison will always make you feel bad—someone will always appear to have a better-looking life, and measuring against them sucks the joy out of your own.

Much of our harshest self-talk is about body image: too skinny, too fat, shaming our skin, hair, and clothes, usually while comparing ourselves to someone who seems to have it all. The antidote is turning toward gratitude. You might not have a supermodel's body, but are you in good health? Can you walk, talk, breathe, and think? Do you have people who love you? The harder you look at your own life, the more beautiful things you'll find—a warm, clear day, a good book, a hug from a friend, a pet at your feet. Soak those in rather than gliding past them, and your life's own beauty starts to shine brighter.

What does real self-care look like?

Real self-care starts with pausing to ask yourself one question: "What do I need right now?"—and then actually listening for the answer.

Life ebbs and flows through good and bad phases, and when you notice you're run-down, stressed, and not acting like yourself, that's a red flag to slow down. The answer may be as simple as more sleep, or it may take some quiet reflection to surface: maybe you're working long hours and struggling to set boundaries, or eating poorly because you're rushed, or so used to running on empty that you've taken it as normal. Once you know what's wrong, you can act on it—better food, firmer boundaries, that doctor's appointment, finally scheduling the massage. And rather than running from your emotional baggage, claim it: like luggage at the airport carousel, it will be waiting for you either way. Accepting it and working with it is what frees you from its heaviness.

Being your own best friend

Putting your self-worth in other people's hands is like putting all your eggs in a very shaky basket. Cultivate your own value instead—notice the criticism, trade comparison for gratitude, and treat self-care as necessary rather than optional. That way you always have a fountain of kindness to draw from when things get rocky, and you're the one in charge of how full it is. These are core skills practiced in mindfulness-based therapy, where a therapist can help you apply them to your real life.

Getting started. If your inner critic is louder than your inner friend, therapy can help you change the conversation. Our individual counseling team in Austin can help.

Frequently asked questions

Is self-compassion the same as letting myself off the hook?

No. Self-compassion means responding to setbacks like a supportive coach instead of a bully—which research and clinical experience suggest makes you more likely, not less, to follow through on your goals.

How do I catch self-criticism in the moment?

Learn your triggers—losing your temper, making mistakes, feeling embarrassed—and practice pausing when they occur. Simply naming "I was just really hard on myself" opens the door to a kinder response.

What if I don't know what self-care I need?

Sit quietly for a few minutes and ask, "What do I need right now?" Be patient—the answer may come through journaling, a talk with a friend, or quiet reflection before bed.

Get started with a therapist at Austin Mindfulness Center—in person in Austin or online across Texas.