Making Friends With Uncertainty

Quick answer: Making friends with uncertainty means relaxing into not knowing how things will turn out, accepting that some things are beyond our control, and trusting that there is no single "right" choice—just a string of moments in which we can choose, re-choose, and adjust. Peace tends to replace anxiety when we stop gripping for certainty.

The total agony of not knowing the future—not knowing if it really will be okay, not knowing if we're making the right choices that lead to the right path—can be just that: total agony. This post, drawn from one therapist's own story of wrestling with a painful decision, looks at why the need for certainty causes so much suffering and how to loosen its grip.

Why does uncertainty feel so unbearable?

Because there is nothing more human than the yearning for safety and security—and nothing safe or secure about not knowing how it will all turn out.

Of course we freak out from time to time about the unknown. The trouble is that we often miss out on the joy of life in the present moment when we let ourselves become consumed by the anxiety of it: fear of wasting time in the wrong relationship, the wrong major, the wrong city, the wrong job. There can be an intense urgency to figure it all out right now so no time is wasted in the wrong scenario. If that urgency has become constant worry, anxiety counseling can help.

What does gripping for certainty look like?

It often looks like black-and-white thinking—believing your whole future is locked into one choice.

The author tells the story of her 19-year-old self, agonizing between two boyfriends, convinced whichever one she chose would be her husband someday—so she "better damn well make the right choice." She was so torn up that she visited a psychic, who rocked her world with one simple question: what if neither of these guys was her future husband? That question opened up the possibility that her future wasn't riding on this one decision—that whatever she chose would keep leading her toward a fulfilling life, maybe even with someone she'd never met. (Ten years later: happily married to a handyman from northern Minnesota she couldn't have predicted.) The months of going back and forth, breaking hearts over and over, came from being unable to relax into the discomfort of uncertainty.

How do I relax into uncertainty?

By taking a breath, experiencing this moment just as it is, and accepting that to some degree we have no control—that there is no wrong choice.

Relaxing into fear does not come naturally. But it's remarkable how quickly peace floods in to replace anxiety when we choose to be present with the pit in our stomachs, be gentle with the fear of not knowing, and trust our own quiet inner wisdom—the calm whisper that actually does know it will all be okay. This kind of present-moment practice is at the heart of mindfulness-based therapy.

What changes when I accept that there's no "right" path?

You become able to make choices with the certainty that there is no certainty—and to see life as a string of moments in which you can choose, re-choose, and adjust.

Shifting from "my entire life rides on this decision" to "there's more out there for me in this great big world" turns a paralyzing crossroads into just another step. You stop trying to guarantee outcomes and start trusting yourself to respond to what comes, according to what is right for you now.

Befriending the unknown

Uncertainty isn't going anywhere—but the suffering that comes from fighting it can. When we relax into not knowing, get gentle with our fear, and trust our own wisdom, anxiety gives way to peace, and decisions stop feeling like life or death. There is no wrong choice; there is just life, chosen and re-chosen one moment at a time.

Getting started. If the anxiety of not knowing is stealing your present moments, a therapist can help you build a friendlier relationship with uncertainty. Our anxiety counseling team can help.

Frequently asked questions

Is fear of uncertainty the same as anxiety?

They're closely related. The yearning for safety and security is deeply human, but when the need to know how things will turn out becomes consuming—stealing your enjoyment of the present—it functions like anxiety and responds to the same tools: presence, acceptance, and support.

How can mindfulness help with fear of the unknown?

Mindfulness helps you take a breath and experience this moment just as it is—being present with the pit in your stomach rather than fighting it. That gentle presence is often what allows peace to replace anxiety.

What if I make the wrong choice?

The perspective offered here is that there is no wrong choice—life is a string of moments in which you can choose, re-choose, and adjust according to what is right for you now. Letting go of "one right path" thinking is what frees you to decide.

Get started with a therapist at Austin Mindfulness Center—in person in Austin or online across Texas.