Say Yes to Your Pain

Quick answer: Saying yes to your pain means opening up to what is already there—a sober, objective acknowledgment of the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise and pass in their own time—without adding judgment, aversion, or resistance. It is not agreeing with or wanting pain; it is refusing to add unnecessary suffering by fighting it.

In many ways our culture is repressed and fearful. Pain is viewed as something to be avoided at all costs—and some of those costs include inducing further pain in attempts to escape an imagined pain. In fact, most of the pain we experience is of the imaginary kind. Here's why saying yes works better than saying no.

What happens when we say no to pain?

Avoiding pain—real or imagined—often creates more pain and missed opportunities.

Consider a woman who stays home from a party because she's afraid her ex-boyfriend will be there and imagines it would be too embarrassing and awkward to bear. She says NO to her imagined pain and stays home—only to spend the whole night turning embarrassing scenarios over in her head and obsessively checking her ex's social media for updates, which only makes things worse. Feeling isolated and pathetic, she neglects her friends and deprives herself of meeting new people. When we say no to life, we create additional layers of pain, and it becomes hard to tell what is real and what is imagined.

What if the thing I'm avoiding actually happens?

Then at least you're experiencing feelings directly related to the event itself—rather than your thoughts about an event that hasn't happened.

If she goes to the party and her ex is there, might it be embarrassing and awkward? Perhaps. But those feelings are connected to real life as it unfolds—in other words, life. Mindfulness puts us in touch with life as it exists in the present moment. Does that include embarrassment? Oh, yes. Is some avoidance okay? Sometimes—when it doesn't incur further pain or stop you from living your life. But when avoiding pain creates more pain, why would you? Instead, say YES.

What does it mean to say yes to pain?

Saying yes is a way of making peace with the present moment—allowing what's there to be there, without adding judgment, aversion, or resistance.

Saying yes is not the same as agreeing with, approving of, or wanting pain. This isn't about convincing yourself through positive thinking that pain is preferable—"Mmm, I love pain!"—that's silly. It's a sober and objective acknowledgment of the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise into the moment and pass in their own time. This acceptance-based approach is central to mindfulness-based therapy, and it's especially powerful for the worry loops we address in anxiety counseling.

How do I practice saying yes?

Try a simple experiment: say no to yourself for 30 seconds, then say yes for 30 seconds, and notice the difference in your body.

While saying no, take note of what you feel. Then switch to yes. What is that like? Are you not more open, relaxed, accepting, energized? Now think of the kinds of things you often say no to, and see what it's like to say yes to them. And when you feel the natural force of your learning history shouting "NOOOO!"—say yes to that, too. Say yes to your history, yes to your love handles, yes to rush hour traffic, yes to your late fees, yes to anxiety, yes to rejection, yes to confusion and uncertainty. Say yes to your life.

Say yes, because saying no is to suffer unnecessarily

Pain is part of life; the extra suffering we pile on by resisting it doesn't have to be. Opening up to what's already here—without judgment or resistance—frees you to actually live, embarrassment and all.

Getting started. If avoidance is shrinking your life, a therapist can help you practice turning toward what you feel. Our anxiety counseling team in Austin can help.

Frequently asked questions

Does saying yes to pain mean I have to like it?

No. Saying yes is not agreeing with, approving of, or wanting pain—it's an objective acknowledgment of what's already present, without adding resistance on top.

Is it ever okay to avoid painful situations?

Sometimes—when the avoidance doesn't create further pain or stop you from living your life. The problem is avoidance that generates more suffering than the thing avoided.

Why is imagined pain worse than real pain?

Because imagined pain loops endlessly—rehearsed scenarios, obsessive checking, isolation—while feelings tied to a real event arise, are experienced, and pass in their own time.

Get started with a therapist at Austin Mindfulness Center—in person in Austin or online across Texas.