What Other People Think

Quick answer: Worrying about what other people think limits you—it's like drawing boundaries in chalk based on your assumptions and then living inside them as if they were walls. In reality, most people are preoccupied with themselves, no one is living their life at you, and only you have the power to determine your own value.

How has worrying about what someone else might think kept you from doing something? Has it kept you from speaking up in a business meeting? From dancing at a party? From talking to someone you're drawn to—someone who only rejects you in your own mind? This kind of worry builds a man-made, imaginary prison. Here's how to walk out of it.

Do other people really think about me as much as I fear?

No—people don't think about you nearly as much as you think they do.

It is you who are preoccupied with you. And guess what? Other people are most likely preoccupied with themselves—they're worried about what people think of them. That doesn't mean they don't care about you or don't like you. They just happen to have a locus of observation that originates outside of your head. So leave them to their perceptions, regardless of how much space you think you deserve to take up in their consciousness.

Why does it feel like everyone else is doing better than me?

Because we compare constantly—but nobody is living their life at you.

Every day you'll see people you assume are prettier, thinner, wealthier, more confident, funnier, smarter, and much, much cooler than you. But they aren't being who they are at you. They're living their lives the best they know how, regardless of how you measure up. Yet we can be very judgmental toward these "better-offs," as if they're shoving their success in our face. The same goes for people whose opinions offend you: there's nothing anyone can say that won't offend someone. If people disagree with you, it isn't because of you.

Can other people determine my worth?

Only if you give up your right to determine it yourself and choose to adopt their evaluations.

The problem is not that others fail to regard you as significant or worthy. Those others have no power over your value unless you hand it to them. If you aren't on your own side, it doesn't matter how many other people are—you won't even notice. If you're convinced you're worthless, nobody will ever talk you out of it. Which is why you have to learn to love yourself.

How do I actually learn to love myself?

Think of love as a verb: do for yourself what a loving parent does for their child.

Yes, you've heard "love yourself" ten times a day in your social media feed alone. But how? It isn't easy, especially with a long history of devaluing yourself—often preceded by unsupportive parenting. We learn to love by being loved as children, so without loving role models, we're left to figure it out on our own. Treating love as action makes it concrete. What does a parent do? They respond quickly to their child's distress. They hold and soothe him. They give him their full attention. They move heaven and earth to make him laugh. They feed him nourishing meals and keep him healthy. They say "I love you" several times a day. When's the last time you did any of those things for yourself? This is the kind of self-compassion work we practice in individual adult counseling and mindfulness-based therapy.

You are your responsibility

Take care of you, and let other people think what they want. Michelangelo said every block of stone has a statue waiting inside it. You are the sculptor of your block of stone—and everyone else is the sculptor of theirs. You can do nothing about theirs, and they can do nothing about yours. So grab a chisel and get to work.

Getting started. If worry about others' opinions is keeping you from living your life, a therapist can help you build genuine self-worth. Our anxiety counseling team in Austin can help.

Frequently asked questions

Why do I care so much about what others think of me?

Often it's a long-standing habit of looking outward for validation, sometimes rooted in growing up without supportive role models who taught you to value yourself from within.

Does it mean people don't like me if they aren't thinking about me?

No. People are simply preoccupied with their own lives and their own worries about being judged. Their attention living elsewhere says nothing about your worth.

What's a practical first step toward self-love?

Treat love as a verb: respond to your own distress, rest, eat nourishing meals, give yourself attention, and speak kindly to yourself—the things a loving parent does for a child.

Get started with a therapist at Austin Mindfulness Center—in person in Austin or online across Texas.